In the beginning I was the most beautiful girl in the world to him. He was proud to show me off, at least that’s what it seemed like. He would beg me to never leave him and tell me how much he loved and needed me. That’s how the manipulation starts. It’s slow and methodical. You don’t even notice it’s happening until it’s almost too late. It’s easy for people to ask “why didn’t you just leave?” When it becomes your norm, you don’t even recognize the need to leave such a toxic situation. Sorry becomes a regular part of your vocabulary and you don’t even notice how far you’ve moved away from the person you used to be. So you stay. You work hard to make them happy, even trying to change who you are, not knowing that anything you do will never be good enough.
First it started with how I looked physically. How I dressed. Heels over flats, contacts over glasses, insisting that I wear make-up every day. Snide remarks were made about how I wore my hair and how it was boring. Then it moved onto my weight gain over the years. Going so far as to me coming home one day to dinner being made so that I didn’t have to worry about it and could instead get on the treadmill.
Then it moved to my character. My decision-making abilities during my college years were questioned. Especially because of all of the male friends I made along the way. And I put an extreme emphasis on friends. But to an insecure individual, friends of the opposite sex are generally seen as a threat or competition. From there it moved on to the fact that I wasn’t able to move up career wise as fast as he would have liked. It was made very clear that I wasn’t doing all that I could to find a new job or make more money. That I wasn’t trying hard enough because I was hoping he’d make enough money so that I could just be a stay-at-home wife and mother. I wasn’t as smart as he was. He was better looking. He was better at everything.
The relationship started with him constantly calling me beautiful to it ending with him making me feel ugly. I am well aware that I am not the only person with this type of story. I also know that the healing process is slow and requires a lot of trial and error on what’s best for your soul. I’d like to pass along the 4 things that have really helped me and that I still rely on today.
- Forgive yourself.
- Deal with the pain. Don’t try and fill your life with things to try and hide from it. Take it head on and feel those emotions.
- Allow yourself to be vulnerable with your close friends and family. Constantly telling everyone that you’re ok won’t help you heal. They want to be there for you and you should let them.
- Don’t give anyone that much power over you and your thoughts.
Healing isn’t one size fits all.