Big girls deserve love too. I can’t wait to see you, love. You look amazing in that dress, love. You make me laugh so hard I cry, love. I am proud to show you off, love. You’re the best thing that’s happened to me, love. Pure, unconditional love.
While I am a firm believer that everyone has a right to love whoever they want, I also know that some awesome women are being overlooked simply because of their size. Not everyone wants to, or even can be, a size 6. And that is perfectly ok.
I’ve been shamed because of my size in more ways than any one person should. It was a constant dagger to my self esteem. I thought I was fat and completely unattractive all because of what someone else thought of me.
Love doesn’t have a weight limit. It doesn’t have stipulations. It doesn’t have ultimatums. It shouldn’t make you feel like less of a person. It shouldn’t make you feel bad.
As I continue to grow I hope that my personality and love for others is always heavier than my weight. And I am confident that someone will love me because of that. All of me.
I used to get butterflies constantly.
I would send a text asking for a favor and sit nervously waiting for the reply. It would either be really short or ignored. Butterflies.
I would hurry home to make dinner only to sit and eat it alone. Butterflies.
There were days when I would put special effort into looking nice, hoping that maybe one of those days I’d finally hear “you look beautiful.” Butterflies.
Most Saturday mornings I tried my best to get up first and start making breakfast. Rarely was that action reciprocated. Butterflies.
I tried to support and attend every work event or award ceremony. Every football game, rain or shine. I never felt appreciated. Butterflies.
It wasn’t until I was out of the situation that I realized the feeling of butterflies was anxiety. I was in a constant state of being anxious. Hoping I wouldn’t say the wrong thing or forget something that was “important.” I walked around on eggshells in my own home. I didn’t have one good night of sleep in 5 years. I would replay in my head what I might have said or done that triggered a rude comment towards me or a lack of affection.
I still get those butterflies. They happen when I ask a favor and feel like I might be the slightest inconvenience to someone. I get them when I feel exceptionally pretty and I think no one will notice. And while my angst is no longer constant, I still get that feeling of uncertainty more often than I should.
Everyday I do my best to make sure that I don’t allow someone to eclipse me. I should not be covered and I should not feel small. I fail at it some days, but I bounce back and make sure that I don’t live in those feelings. The road to healing is long and tedious, but I keep pushing myself and realize that each day gets a little bit easier. And that’s enough for me.
For about 2 years now, I’ve had a few different people tell me that I needed to start a blog. So, here I am.
I’m not sure how often I will post, or what the content will consist of, but I am certain that it will be therapeutic to write out my thoughts, regardless of who reads them.
I hope in the process that I am able to continue to heal and maybe even be inspirational along the way. I am SUPER funny (at least to me I am) and sarcasm oozes out of me.
So, grab some tacos and tequila and let’s see where this takes us.